Light
Maybe I just envision things brighter than reality can bestow.
I give, hoping someday I'll receive.
I'm present, optimistically waiting for your presence to shine it's light into my life.
But the light comes and goes.
It flickers then it's blown away with the wind in an instance.
It's too wild and inconsistent for my heart to grasp.
Time to move past this chapter, to blow out the candle before the flicker.
Forgive or Forgo
We're so out of sync.
I'm awake, you're asleep.
I'm feeling stressed, you're feeling secure.
I used to see it.
The future.
Now its foggy and filled with doubt.
I'm hoping I can figure this out.
Sooner rather than later.
People keep saying don't be so quick to forgive.
They know I deserve better.
Is this a love worth fighting for.
I'm unsure anymore.
I'm always thinking about you, even when I'm not
Save Yourself
Maybe someday I'll be strong enough.
Learn to put myself first, it's a curse.
I'm trying to immerse myself in other things.
But they all seem to lead back to you.
I know my mother was right.
I should have moved on long ago, but now parts of me are tangled in you.
Your branches strangle me, then caress me when they realize what they've done.
It's an endless cycle.
Now the branches are multiplying in places scattered about my body.
I'm using all my might day by day to rip them out.
It's excruciatingly destructive.
Constriction
I hold my jaw so tight my temples start to ache.
The joints between my fingers are tender from cracking them too many times.
I see everyone around me, I'm too aware.
It's exhausting.
I check the time on my phone every couple minutes hoping the minutes turn into hours.
When will my eyes grow tired and my mind shut up.
I don't want to think any longer about you or the future.
I want to live presently, but I fear I'll always be at war with my mind.
Energy
I always seem to forget how tea helps me see so vividly.
The warmth of the mug radiating through my chest.
With each sip I contemplate the progression of my day.
What did I accomplish, what could I have done differently.
How can I alter my energy and relationships to bring more joy and compassion.
It's time to refine my surroundings.
Draw the line between comfort and pure content.
Foreign Concept
It was like all the sudden I questioned every word flooding from your lips.
I was paralyzed.
My head began to pulse as I tried to process the truth behind your sentences.
Or was there even any...
Suddenly there was silence and I knew it was my turn to speak.
But I stumbled over my words.
Lying didn't come easily to me.
It was practically a foreign concept.
But it was one of her strengths and she always used it to her advantage.
Wrinkles
Just when I thought things were finally falling into place.
I spot tiny cracks in the tile I thought we'd filled years ago.
Wrinkles on your forehead that weren't there the last time I saw you.
You're falling back into the same old habits I see.
I can see your confliction.
Gravity
I have too many questions.
They're spiraling, I'm spinning.
It's turning into a galaxy of scary stars each with a secret.
I'm at a loss for words.
Everything hurts.
Lies...defying me, defying them.
You want to be free from gravity.
I'm trying to hold you down, but my arms are growing tired.
I'm getting weaker every second you're not by my side.
Spaceless
Worry. Run. Eat. Sleep. Worry.
Worried about you.
Worried about money.
Worried about the future.
Too many thoughts and considerations.
Yet they say I'm selfish.
They say this, they say that.
What more can I do.
There's no more space in my skull.
Breaking
So many highs and lows.
Your silence is maddening.
My mind used to be stronger, more disciplined.
Now I'm too intertwined in you.
I'm unsure if the highs are worth it anymore.
Because the sadness feels like it lasts an eternity.
Nightmares
Suddenly I had lost control...of everything.
My body was tingling, vision blurred, thoughts no longer my own.
I knew I was hurting you as your teary eyed face came in & out of vision.
I wanted to make it stop, but I couldn't.
I said things I didn't mean.
In fact practically the opposite of the truth.
I prayed you would come back to me after I fought that demonizing state of mind.
Exhaustion
The amount of tears that dripped down my cheeks today could fill a river.
People are dropping like flies.
I know this is the end, there's no more energy I can expend.
Addiction
We're drawn to the things that are the worst for us
Experimentation turns into habits
Habits turn into addictions
Then we're stuck in quicksand
Falling deeper and deeper till its feels like the sand is enclosing in on us
We're screaming for help, but no one can hear us anymore because we're all so wrapped up in our own worlds
Spring Cleaning the Soul
Maybe there’s a reason for all of this.
For the loss of loved ones.
For the time we spent apart.
I keep trying to convince myself that there’s some sort of plan God has been guiding me towards. It feels hopeless at times. There’s weeks when my salty tears never seem to subside. I begin to question my habits, perspectives, and choices. I feel as if my restrictive lifestyle has done a 180. I feel so out of control and it is maddening yet liberating. I’m unsure of which lifestyle is healthier for me. Should I go back to thinking things through more, eating cleaner than Jillian Michaels, and spending all my days in the library and at the gym? Or should I embrace where I’m at. Attempt to enjoy my subtle inauthority that I feel in my life currently. Continue to let down walls layer by layer that have been sealed for so long. These are the thoughts that consume me, overwhelm my insides like an itch that I can scratch but can’t completely diminish.
I believe there are certain layers that are due to be peeled. Yet others are vital part of who I am. It is so crucial to self reflect. To critically evaluate the parts of you that should stay because they mold your identity, and eradicate the ones that are long overdue for alteration and have possibly persisted due to comfort and safety for the soul. This month, let’s prioritize what really needs some spring cleaning. Is it the clutter of your basement or is it the contents of your soul, heart, and head? Its time we slowed down and channeled more self help, love, and reflection. Whether its through communication with others, exercise, or a completely solitary cleanse, make a deliberate effort. If we can better ourselves and find our true authentic passions, we can then go on to better our children, homes, and the world around us. Love and compassion across the globe seem to be absent lately. So it is time to be selfish for a second so we can become stronger, more self assured individuals.
Sick
You sleep through most days.
And barely move for the ones you're awake for.
You think you have everyone fooled.
But as I peer into your soul, I sense it
Your unhappiness
Talk to me I plead.
You're trying,
Yet you can’t see me crying from miles away.
What do I have to do to make you stay, to make everything okay?
The 1st of February
On the 1st of February, I leaped out of bed scrambling to turn off that god awful alarm ringing in my ear at 6:30 am. I retraced my dreams from the night as I scraped my scalp in the shower. Someone had died in my dream that night. I was bewildered and a bit frightened...
Other than that my day started off like any other. I attended my two classes and planned to hit the gym and see some friends as my four day weekend had begun. I hit a 4 way stop about a quarter mile from home. I watched as one car accelerated across the street, then I took a couple strides across the unforgiving cemented road. My headphones were in and I was in my own little world, listening to the beat of my music, trying to distract myself from the bitter cold.
Suddenly I was down.
Lying on the solidified pavement.
My phone had flung from my hands and a sharp pain scurried throughout my body.
What the hell had just happened.
I practically jumped to my feet, adrenaline piercing through my skull.
Hoping I could bear weight on my limbs. I prayed all my bones were still intact as I grasped my left limb tightly. I spotted a large rusty F150 in my line of vision and a girls shrieking voice rumbling into my ear canal as a car door slammed.
"Are you okay?! Oh my god I didn't even see you, the sun was in my eyes and my mirrors were all dirty."
"I'm okay, I'm okay" I stammered as I inched closer to the safety of the sidewalk.
Tears sped down my face so fast I couldn't order my hands to wipe them away fast enough before they dribbled down my chin and hit the treacherous cement beneath me. A man with kind eyes and a good heart watched the whole incident and allowed us to sit momentarily in the warmth of his car till the authorities arrived. I was checked and cleared by the paramedics. I declined to take an ambulance to the emergency room as I pondered their high pricing and the magnitude of my injuries. I got home safely and limped to my couch to inspect my wounds privately. I was so lucky. I spotted a strawberry on my bum and knee, but no sign of bruising or breaks at the time. After I called my mom and loved ones, I took some time to reflect. I realized the people that reached out in that time of crisis were the ones I needed to surround myself with. The ones who will drop their world to save you not only physically, but also emotionally. The ones that can read your sadness like the back of their hand even when they're miles apart. I realized that there were others I had been investing too much time into for the wrong reasons. I identified one sided relationships where I was giving constantly and never truly receiving the kind of love not just that I wanted, but the kind of love I needed. I have concluded that this traumatizing experience happened for a reason and the timing was right on cue. If this would have happened when I was a fragile, stick thin freshman I probably would have shattered into a million pieces. But now, I am strong enough to endure this. I was given a sign it was coming and I emerged triumphant with a stronger, more realistic outlook on life. This was my wake up call, a much more bitter and troubling one than my usual 630 am buzzer, but definitely more effective.
Not That Simple
I wish it as simple as that
Say what you feel, mean what you say
But the truth is, most of the time the words escaping my lips are to please you
I wish I could have the strength to overcome it
To rip off the mask and watch it move through the shredder
Everyone wants something
They're greedy little monsters
Stealing bits of me day by day
I can feel myself weakening
My immune system shutting down
There's no more liquid left in my tear duct for another one to physically shed
And I dread the days where you ask me to be anything more than myself
Because the truth is I'll never be top shelf
Worries
You mentioned something that made my heart flutter furiously
It was an implication towards the future.
Together.
You had this overwhelming confidence that we would last.
Regardless of our tangled past.
It was addicting and admirable.
I craved it.
I craved you.
I pray your fantasies of us become reality someday.
But as I lay tossing and turning till dawn, my doubts consume me.
Broken
Oh my darling.
I know you'll never truly understand.
The toxic thoughts.
The endless mind games.
I'm sick, I want to admit.
Broken.
Can't you see that?
Sense it within your soul.
Every piece of me fights it, every second of everyday.
It's a battle I'll have to fight till I'm resting peacefully in the sky.
Wasting Time
I’m not going to waste my time putting on a fake face for you.
Nor am I going to dress super trendy.
Or waltz around in Fendi’s.
I believe in simplicity.
Accepting yourself as you are.
I’d rather spend my days at the gym than at the mall.
In my own head instead of dodging socialites.
Sweating instead of spending.
Because there’s more to life than name brands and fake tans.
Introvert
I almost felt like a fraud.
I had to work so hard to look even slightly average compared to you.
I try to adapt to your lifestyle, but it feels fake and inauthentic.
I don't belong.
I am socially awkward and uncomfortable in endless situations.
You tell me to work on it.
Ask me why I'm so quiet.
Why I don't sing in public and dance on tables.
Because I get nervous I say.
But it's more than nerves.
Sometimes I find myself walking in the other direction when I see someone I know.
I wish I wasn't like this.
I want to socialize and fit in.
But I'm not sure it will ever feel like an effortless activity.
Take it In
Your music roaring in my ears, vibrations pulsing through my skull.
I grasped your hand so tight, it lingered in yours for so long our hands began to perspire.
I didn't care though, as long as you were there.
I couldn't stop my eyes from gazing over at you every few minutes as we zoomed to our destination.
Your perfectly put together attire, ironed down to the last wrinkle.
Your priceless Burberry jacket that you cradled like a baby everywhere we went.
I'm trying to take in every last waking moment with you
Because I'm terrified it may end too soon.
I scrutinize the moon trying to ignore my escalating heart beat from your reckless driving.
I tell myself I'm thriving and attempt to erase my fleeting thoughts.
The End
The separation makes my stomach churn in unsettling ways.
I feel empty & lifeless.
Like I can't move forward without you present in my life.
Even if it's a simple text, just so I know what's coming next.
I need to get inside your head, understand what is being said.
Don't break me again, I beg.
My lungs expand, but they feel as if they're filling with smoke instead of air.
And suddenly I'm suffocating.
I taste my salty tears as they trickle down my lips.
I'm clutching my chest so tight as if I'm literally holding the pieces of my shattered heart together.
I wonder if I'll ever recover.
Flawed
Tell me my flaws.
Down to the last nitty gritty detail.
I need an outside perspective.
Something fresh, not originating from my over exaggerated brain.
My thought process is fucked.
I want to yank my hair out of my scalp.
Hoping the damage will normalize my self reflection.
Anger
Sometimes I catch myself wanting to fight.
For no reason at all.
Just to feel angry & powerful.
To see if I can drive you away or if you'll stay.
I may make something out of nothing.
Yell, scream, and bite.
Hoping in the end you'll tell me everything is alright.
Passion or Success?
As I swiveled around in my desk chair counting the decaying tiles that aligned the floor of the mother baby unit in boredom I asked my co-worker a question I thought I already knew the answer to.
"Why did you chose the mother-baby unit to volunteer in?" Assuming she would say something about how much she treasured children and wanted her own someday.
"It's just what was open, I hate kids." She responded.
I stared at her, bewildered and confused.
"What do you mean? What will you and your husband do your whole lives then? I stammered.
"I don't think I want to get married. I'm just going to work and be successful." I eyes widened even more in astonishment. My whole life I grew up with the fantasy that I would fall in love and have four beautiful babies. My best friend and I would make baby name lists and share them in pure excitement as we longed for the future. I had never considered anything different. I thought that was just what everyone did, at least until their marriage collapsed or their children grew old. I felt a twinge of sadness for my co-worker. What was life without a best friend? A lover? Passion? She radiated off negativity and entitlement. I knew in that moment, that building a family and falling in love was all I ever wanted. She on the other hand, longed for success. To make a difference in the world and establish herself as a strong, independent woman. I admired her for her work ethic and I as well want success in my career path. Yet, I don't see the point of success if you can't share your accomplishments with someone else. Maybe my coworker cherished her alone time, when she could get away from all the pressures of the world and be her true self. I kept conjuring up reasons in my head for her odd perspective on life. Essentially, it allowed me to reevaluate my desires and who I am as a person. I despise being alone, it's full of sadness and never ending silences. I find it utterly boring and rather pointless. Just the presence of another loved one tend to lift my spirits. The point is that most people don't get to have passion and extreme success. It's difficult to pour your heart out into both categories and end up victorious. Only the lucky ones end up rich and in love. And does that even last for them? Or do they get swept up in the money, the fame, and the fast life? So which do you chose? Assuming you aren't one of the lucky ones. Passion or success? Money or love? Intimacy or wealth?
Slipping Away
I could feel you slipping away again.
My heart was growing heavier and heavier by the day.
Excuses excuses, I just wanted you to stay.
But the clasping of our hands was growing weaker.
The conversations fading
Just like last time, expect this time...
My insides might shatter.
Moving Forward
I could feel his anger as it shook through the walls of the house.
His fist banging on the bedroom door in disbelief.
The time had come, she needed to move forward.
His heart was full of so much sorrow and regret.
Yet he never tried to change for her or make it better.
He drank the worries away and she was breaking her back trying to stay afloat.
He was selfish and she was fed up.
I knew my life was about to change forever as my whole world was blowing up in my face.
-2010
Be Strong
I could see it in her eyes.
Confliction.
The feeling that you have everything you could have ever needed, but you still feel discontent.
And no matter how hard she tried, it was always an ongoing battle.
A personal battle that no one could ever truly understand.
I want to be strong for you, make you feel a little less blue.
I wish you could tell me what to do
But you think you're going insane because your brain can't be tamed.
Moments
The wine was bringing a rising warmth to my chest.
The pitter patter of the rain colliding with the roof of his house, giving me goosebumps.
The sudden moments of silence were soothing and alluring.
I wanted to stay there forever.
Because in that moment my troubles seemed to fade as I buried myself deeper into his arms.
-11/18
Losing Control
But I cant seem to control my mind.
So just please be kind.
The troubles keep creeping up
Yupp, I feel my shoulders start to tighten,
My eyes begin to dis-enlighten
The constriction of my pores is painful and distasteful
I wish you were by my side so I could at least pretend
...To mend, to send you all my love before it disappears like my right glove.
Pretending
Can't you see I'm drowning...
This is more than me just frowning.
It's not all good, you were misunderstood.
I can't keep this mask on much longer,
of course you wish I was stronger.
I do too, but I won't change or rearrange
This is me, this is reality.
Transformation
Who is that
In that picture? Across the street?
She looks like someone I used to know.
Oh...
She looks different, from her sophomore days
Maybe that was just her skinny phase.
...Although she wasn't a person back then
Pain radiated off her skin & bones
Always on her phone or in the zone
She seems present now
Real...
Maybe it's because now she's eating a full meal.
My Reality
Wednesday, May 25, 2016
But the fear of missing out was a real, persistent annoyance in my life. I couldn't seem to shake this parasite that would eat away at me even when I knew I was doing what I wanted to do. I couldn't get this tiny voice out of my head telling me what I was “supposed” to do as a eighteen year old college sorority sister.
“Go out” it said.
“Drink till your numb, or till your walls are completely collapsed and you can make a fool of yourself.”
“Then go to the nearest coney island wasted at 3 am and order pizza or pancakes to cure those drunky munchies.”
“Then wake up the next morning on the floor of a “so-called” friends room…or is it even a friends room? You scramble off the floor collecting your things and yank the dorm door open to see the names on the doors to identify your whereabouts. The door read, Daniel & Logan. Your heart sinks. You hear a yawn from the top of the lofted bed and see an arm stretching out scratching its dandruffy head. You bolt for the door and hope for heavens sake that you used protection.”
Is that what its supposed to be like? Would that make me “normal”? Cause shit that sounds like a downright catastrophe. And I know for a fact that would only add to my teenage angst and discontent with my life. Maybe for those 2 hours that I’m drunk and disillusioned I'll be happy and maybe that's the attraction, to escape your overwhelming mind that many of us cant seem to control, but if that's the truth then those teenagers are really the ones with issues. If you can't be happy for a couple days without poisoning your mind to distract from your troubles then your life must be pretty unbearable.
So next time your mind is running wild and you feel your being judged for your “netflix and chill” nights, stop and think about what’s really going on behind the scenes at these parties. Yea snapchat makes it look hype and hopping, but we all know it s a show.
Maybe I just envision things brighter than reality can bestow.
I give, hoping someday I'll receive.
I'm present, optimistically waiting for your presence to shine it's light into my life.
But the light comes and goes.
It flickers then it's blown away with the wind in an instance.
It's too wild and inconsistent for my heart to grasp.
Time to move past this chapter, to blow out the candle before the flicker.
Forgive or Forgo
We're so out of sync.
I'm awake, you're asleep.
I'm feeling stressed, you're feeling secure.
I used to see it.
The future.
Now its foggy and filled with doubt.
I'm hoping I can figure this out.
Sooner rather than later.
People keep saying don't be so quick to forgive.
They know I deserve better.
Is this a love worth fighting for.
I'm unsure anymore.
I'm always thinking about you, even when I'm not
Save Yourself
Maybe someday I'll be strong enough.
Learn to put myself first, it's a curse.
I'm trying to immerse myself in other things.
But they all seem to lead back to you.
I know my mother was right.
I should have moved on long ago, but now parts of me are tangled in you.
Your branches strangle me, then caress me when they realize what they've done.
It's an endless cycle.
Now the branches are multiplying in places scattered about my body.
I'm using all my might day by day to rip them out.
It's excruciatingly destructive.
Constriction
I hold my jaw so tight my temples start to ache.
The joints between my fingers are tender from cracking them too many times.
I see everyone around me, I'm too aware.
It's exhausting.
I check the time on my phone every couple minutes hoping the minutes turn into hours.
When will my eyes grow tired and my mind shut up.
I don't want to think any longer about you or the future.
I want to live presently, but I fear I'll always be at war with my mind.
Energy
I always seem to forget how tea helps me see so vividly.
The warmth of the mug radiating through my chest.
With each sip I contemplate the progression of my day.
What did I accomplish, what could I have done differently.
How can I alter my energy and relationships to bring more joy and compassion.
It's time to refine my surroundings.
Draw the line between comfort and pure content.
Foreign Concept
It was like all the sudden I questioned every word flooding from your lips.
I was paralyzed.
My head began to pulse as I tried to process the truth behind your sentences.
Or was there even any...
Suddenly there was silence and I knew it was my turn to speak.
But I stumbled over my words.
Lying didn't come easily to me.
It was practically a foreign concept.
But it was one of her strengths and she always used it to her advantage.
Wrinkles
Just when I thought things were finally falling into place.
I spot tiny cracks in the tile I thought we'd filled years ago.
Wrinkles on your forehead that weren't there the last time I saw you.
You're falling back into the same old habits I see.
I can see your confliction.
Gravity
I have too many questions.
They're spiraling, I'm spinning.
It's turning into a galaxy of scary stars each with a secret.
I'm at a loss for words.
Everything hurts.
Lies...defying me, defying them.
You want to be free from gravity.
I'm trying to hold you down, but my arms are growing tired.
I'm getting weaker every second you're not by my side.
Spaceless
Worry. Run. Eat. Sleep. Worry.
Worried about you.
Worried about money.
Worried about the future.
Too many thoughts and considerations.
Yet they say I'm selfish.
They say this, they say that.
What more can I do.
There's no more space in my skull.
Breaking
So many highs and lows.
Your silence is maddening.
My mind used to be stronger, more disciplined.
Now I'm too intertwined in you.
I'm unsure if the highs are worth it anymore.
Because the sadness feels like it lasts an eternity.
Nightmares
Suddenly I had lost control...of everything.
My body was tingling, vision blurred, thoughts no longer my own.
I knew I was hurting you as your teary eyed face came in & out of vision.
I wanted to make it stop, but I couldn't.
I said things I didn't mean.
In fact practically the opposite of the truth.
I prayed you would come back to me after I fought that demonizing state of mind.
Exhaustion
The amount of tears that dripped down my cheeks today could fill a river.
People are dropping like flies.
I know this is the end, there's no more energy I can expend.
Addiction
We're drawn to the things that are the worst for us
Experimentation turns into habits
Habits turn into addictions
Then we're stuck in quicksand
Falling deeper and deeper till its feels like the sand is enclosing in on us
We're screaming for help, but no one can hear us anymore because we're all so wrapped up in our own worlds
Spring Cleaning the Soul
Maybe there’s a reason for all of this.
For the loss of loved ones.
For the time we spent apart.
I keep trying to convince myself that there’s some sort of plan God has been guiding me towards. It feels hopeless at times. There’s weeks when my salty tears never seem to subside. I begin to question my habits, perspectives, and choices. I feel as if my restrictive lifestyle has done a 180. I feel so out of control and it is maddening yet liberating. I’m unsure of which lifestyle is healthier for me. Should I go back to thinking things through more, eating cleaner than Jillian Michaels, and spending all my days in the library and at the gym? Or should I embrace where I’m at. Attempt to enjoy my subtle inauthority that I feel in my life currently. Continue to let down walls layer by layer that have been sealed for so long. These are the thoughts that consume me, overwhelm my insides like an itch that I can scratch but can’t completely diminish.
I believe there are certain layers that are due to be peeled. Yet others are vital part of who I am. It is so crucial to self reflect. To critically evaluate the parts of you that should stay because they mold your identity, and eradicate the ones that are long overdue for alteration and have possibly persisted due to comfort and safety for the soul. This month, let’s prioritize what really needs some spring cleaning. Is it the clutter of your basement or is it the contents of your soul, heart, and head? Its time we slowed down and channeled more self help, love, and reflection. Whether its through communication with others, exercise, or a completely solitary cleanse, make a deliberate effort. If we can better ourselves and find our true authentic passions, we can then go on to better our children, homes, and the world around us. Love and compassion across the globe seem to be absent lately. So it is time to be selfish for a second so we can become stronger, more self assured individuals.
Sick
You sleep through most days.
And barely move for the ones you're awake for.
You think you have everyone fooled.
But as I peer into your soul, I sense it
Your unhappiness
Talk to me I plead.
You're trying,
Yet you can’t see me crying from miles away.
What do I have to do to make you stay, to make everything okay?
The 1st of February
On the 1st of February, I leaped out of bed scrambling to turn off that god awful alarm ringing in my ear at 6:30 am. I retraced my dreams from the night as I scraped my scalp in the shower. Someone had died in my dream that night. I was bewildered and a bit frightened...
Other than that my day started off like any other. I attended my two classes and planned to hit the gym and see some friends as my four day weekend had begun. I hit a 4 way stop about a quarter mile from home. I watched as one car accelerated across the street, then I took a couple strides across the unforgiving cemented road. My headphones were in and I was in my own little world, listening to the beat of my music, trying to distract myself from the bitter cold.
Suddenly I was down.
Lying on the solidified pavement.
My phone had flung from my hands and a sharp pain scurried throughout my body.
What the hell had just happened.
I practically jumped to my feet, adrenaline piercing through my skull.
Hoping I could bear weight on my limbs. I prayed all my bones were still intact as I grasped my left limb tightly. I spotted a large rusty F150 in my line of vision and a girls shrieking voice rumbling into my ear canal as a car door slammed.
"Are you okay?! Oh my god I didn't even see you, the sun was in my eyes and my mirrors were all dirty."
"I'm okay, I'm okay" I stammered as I inched closer to the safety of the sidewalk.
Tears sped down my face so fast I couldn't order my hands to wipe them away fast enough before they dribbled down my chin and hit the treacherous cement beneath me. A man with kind eyes and a good heart watched the whole incident and allowed us to sit momentarily in the warmth of his car till the authorities arrived. I was checked and cleared by the paramedics. I declined to take an ambulance to the emergency room as I pondered their high pricing and the magnitude of my injuries. I got home safely and limped to my couch to inspect my wounds privately. I was so lucky. I spotted a strawberry on my bum and knee, but no sign of bruising or breaks at the time. After I called my mom and loved ones, I took some time to reflect. I realized the people that reached out in that time of crisis were the ones I needed to surround myself with. The ones who will drop their world to save you not only physically, but also emotionally. The ones that can read your sadness like the back of their hand even when they're miles apart. I realized that there were others I had been investing too much time into for the wrong reasons. I identified one sided relationships where I was giving constantly and never truly receiving the kind of love not just that I wanted, but the kind of love I needed. I have concluded that this traumatizing experience happened for a reason and the timing was right on cue. If this would have happened when I was a fragile, stick thin freshman I probably would have shattered into a million pieces. But now, I am strong enough to endure this. I was given a sign it was coming and I emerged triumphant with a stronger, more realistic outlook on life. This was my wake up call, a much more bitter and troubling one than my usual 630 am buzzer, but definitely more effective.
Not That Simple
I wish it as simple as that
Say what you feel, mean what you say
But the truth is, most of the time the words escaping my lips are to please you
I wish I could have the strength to overcome it
To rip off the mask and watch it move through the shredder
Everyone wants something
They're greedy little monsters
Stealing bits of me day by day
I can feel myself weakening
My immune system shutting down
There's no more liquid left in my tear duct for another one to physically shed
And I dread the days where you ask me to be anything more than myself
Because the truth is I'll never be top shelf
Worries
You mentioned something that made my heart flutter furiously
It was an implication towards the future.
Together.
You had this overwhelming confidence that we would last.
Regardless of our tangled past.
It was addicting and admirable.
I craved it.
I craved you.
I pray your fantasies of us become reality someday.
But as I lay tossing and turning till dawn, my doubts consume me.
Broken
Oh my darling.
I know you'll never truly understand.
The toxic thoughts.
The endless mind games.
I'm sick, I want to admit.
Broken.
Can't you see that?
Sense it within your soul.
Every piece of me fights it, every second of everyday.
It's a battle I'll have to fight till I'm resting peacefully in the sky.
Wasting Time
I’m not going to waste my time putting on a fake face for you.
Nor am I going to dress super trendy.
Or waltz around in Fendi’s.
I believe in simplicity.
Accepting yourself as you are.
I’d rather spend my days at the gym than at the mall.
In my own head instead of dodging socialites.
Sweating instead of spending.
Because there’s more to life than name brands and fake tans.
Introvert
I almost felt like a fraud.
I had to work so hard to look even slightly average compared to you.
I try to adapt to your lifestyle, but it feels fake and inauthentic.
I don't belong.
I am socially awkward and uncomfortable in endless situations.
You tell me to work on it.
Ask me why I'm so quiet.
Why I don't sing in public and dance on tables.
Because I get nervous I say.
But it's more than nerves.
Sometimes I find myself walking in the other direction when I see someone I know.
I wish I wasn't like this.
I want to socialize and fit in.
But I'm not sure it will ever feel like an effortless activity.
Take it In
Your music roaring in my ears, vibrations pulsing through my skull.
I grasped your hand so tight, it lingered in yours for so long our hands began to perspire.
I didn't care though, as long as you were there.
I couldn't stop my eyes from gazing over at you every few minutes as we zoomed to our destination.
Your perfectly put together attire, ironed down to the last wrinkle.
Your priceless Burberry jacket that you cradled like a baby everywhere we went.
I'm trying to take in every last waking moment with you
Because I'm terrified it may end too soon.
I scrutinize the moon trying to ignore my escalating heart beat from your reckless driving.
I tell myself I'm thriving and attempt to erase my fleeting thoughts.
The End
The separation makes my stomach churn in unsettling ways.
I feel empty & lifeless.
Like I can't move forward without you present in my life.
Even if it's a simple text, just so I know what's coming next.
I need to get inside your head, understand what is being said.
Don't break me again, I beg.
My lungs expand, but they feel as if they're filling with smoke instead of air.
And suddenly I'm suffocating.
I taste my salty tears as they trickle down my lips.
I'm clutching my chest so tight as if I'm literally holding the pieces of my shattered heart together.
I wonder if I'll ever recover.
Flawed
Tell me my flaws.
Down to the last nitty gritty detail.
I need an outside perspective.
Something fresh, not originating from my over exaggerated brain.
My thought process is fucked.
I want to yank my hair out of my scalp.
Hoping the damage will normalize my self reflection.
Anger
Sometimes I catch myself wanting to fight.
For no reason at all.
Just to feel angry & powerful.
To see if I can drive you away or if you'll stay.
I may make something out of nothing.
Yell, scream, and bite.
Hoping in the end you'll tell me everything is alright.
Passion or Success?
As I swiveled around in my desk chair counting the decaying tiles that aligned the floor of the mother baby unit in boredom I asked my co-worker a question I thought I already knew the answer to.
"Why did you chose the mother-baby unit to volunteer in?" Assuming she would say something about how much she treasured children and wanted her own someday.
"It's just what was open, I hate kids." She responded.
I stared at her, bewildered and confused.
"What do you mean? What will you and your husband do your whole lives then? I stammered.
"I don't think I want to get married. I'm just going to work and be successful." I eyes widened even more in astonishment. My whole life I grew up with the fantasy that I would fall in love and have four beautiful babies. My best friend and I would make baby name lists and share them in pure excitement as we longed for the future. I had never considered anything different. I thought that was just what everyone did, at least until their marriage collapsed or their children grew old. I felt a twinge of sadness for my co-worker. What was life without a best friend? A lover? Passion? She radiated off negativity and entitlement. I knew in that moment, that building a family and falling in love was all I ever wanted. She on the other hand, longed for success. To make a difference in the world and establish herself as a strong, independent woman. I admired her for her work ethic and I as well want success in my career path. Yet, I don't see the point of success if you can't share your accomplishments with someone else. Maybe my coworker cherished her alone time, when she could get away from all the pressures of the world and be her true self. I kept conjuring up reasons in my head for her odd perspective on life. Essentially, it allowed me to reevaluate my desires and who I am as a person. I despise being alone, it's full of sadness and never ending silences. I find it utterly boring and rather pointless. Just the presence of another loved one tend to lift my spirits. The point is that most people don't get to have passion and extreme success. It's difficult to pour your heart out into both categories and end up victorious. Only the lucky ones end up rich and in love. And does that even last for them? Or do they get swept up in the money, the fame, and the fast life? So which do you chose? Assuming you aren't one of the lucky ones. Passion or success? Money or love? Intimacy or wealth?
Slipping Away
I could feel you slipping away again.
My heart was growing heavier and heavier by the day.
Excuses excuses, I just wanted you to stay.
But the clasping of our hands was growing weaker.
The conversations fading
Just like last time, expect this time...
My insides might shatter.
Moving Forward
I could feel his anger as it shook through the walls of the house.
His fist banging on the bedroom door in disbelief.
The time had come, she needed to move forward.
His heart was full of so much sorrow and regret.
Yet he never tried to change for her or make it better.
He drank the worries away and she was breaking her back trying to stay afloat.
He was selfish and she was fed up.
I knew my life was about to change forever as my whole world was blowing up in my face.
-2010
Be Strong
I could see it in her eyes.
Confliction.
The feeling that you have everything you could have ever needed, but you still feel discontent.
And no matter how hard she tried, it was always an ongoing battle.
A personal battle that no one could ever truly understand.
I want to be strong for you, make you feel a little less blue.
I wish you could tell me what to do
But you think you're going insane because your brain can't be tamed.
Moments
The wine was bringing a rising warmth to my chest.
The pitter patter of the rain colliding with the roof of his house, giving me goosebumps.
The sudden moments of silence were soothing and alluring.
I wanted to stay there forever.
Because in that moment my troubles seemed to fade as I buried myself deeper into his arms.
-11/18
Losing Control
But I cant seem to control my mind.
So just please be kind.
The troubles keep creeping up
Yupp, I feel my shoulders start to tighten,
My eyes begin to dis-enlighten
The constriction of my pores is painful and distasteful
I wish you were by my side so I could at least pretend
...To mend, to send you all my love before it disappears like my right glove.
Pretending
Can't you see I'm drowning...
This is more than me just frowning.
It's not all good, you were misunderstood.
I can't keep this mask on much longer,
of course you wish I was stronger.
I do too, but I won't change or rearrange
This is me, this is reality.
Transformation
Who is that
In that picture? Across the street?
She looks like someone I used to know.
Oh...
She looks different, from her sophomore days
Maybe that was just her skinny phase.
...Although she wasn't a person back then
Pain radiated off her skin & bones
Always on her phone or in the zone
She seems present now
Real...
Maybe it's because now she's eating a full meal.
My Reality
Wednesday, May 25, 2016
But the fear of missing out was a real, persistent annoyance in my life. I couldn't seem to shake this parasite that would eat away at me even when I knew I was doing what I wanted to do. I couldn't get this tiny voice out of my head telling me what I was “supposed” to do as a eighteen year old college sorority sister.
“Go out” it said.
“Drink till your numb, or till your walls are completely collapsed and you can make a fool of yourself.”
“Then go to the nearest coney island wasted at 3 am and order pizza or pancakes to cure those drunky munchies.”
“Then wake up the next morning on the floor of a “so-called” friends room…or is it even a friends room? You scramble off the floor collecting your things and yank the dorm door open to see the names on the doors to identify your whereabouts. The door read, Daniel & Logan. Your heart sinks. You hear a yawn from the top of the lofted bed and see an arm stretching out scratching its dandruffy head. You bolt for the door and hope for heavens sake that you used protection.”
Is that what its supposed to be like? Would that make me “normal”? Cause shit that sounds like a downright catastrophe. And I know for a fact that would only add to my teenage angst and discontent with my life. Maybe for those 2 hours that I’m drunk and disillusioned I'll be happy and maybe that's the attraction, to escape your overwhelming mind that many of us cant seem to control, but if that's the truth then those teenagers are really the ones with issues. If you can't be happy for a couple days without poisoning your mind to distract from your troubles then your life must be pretty unbearable.
So next time your mind is running wild and you feel your being judged for your “netflix and chill” nights, stop and think about what’s really going on behind the scenes at these parties. Yea snapchat makes it look hype and hopping, but we all know it s a show.